Dining and Cooking
I over-engineered a solution to the chive cutting problem
In Kitchen Confidential

I over-engineered a solution to the chive cutting problem


It is WILDLY impractical and was a pain in the ass to make, but oh GOD does it make an glorious sound when it cuts.

I originally intended to have blade housing on top run full-length, but ended up making it shorter because tiny tolerance differences add up fast with an FDM printer and I only have so much patience. Then I dropped the stupid f*cking thing and shattered it. After a little screaming and swearing and a LOT of picking up razor blades, I rebuilt the damn thing so I could show you, Reddit. Please, for the love of God, be gentle with me, I promise this is the first AND LAST time I will post chives in this subreddit.

EDIT: HEAR THE CRUNCH!!! MAY IT REDEEM MY CRUSHED CHIVES!!

by my_ridiculous_name

45 Comments

  1. wrestlegirl

    You can’t post this and not include the .stl!!

  3. random-guy-here

    Brilliant! Pull out your order pad – I’ll give you a list of people that need this!

  4. barbaq24

    Look what it takes to achieve just a fraction of our power! It’s chives dude. You just cut the little green grass stalks.

  7. viciousbliss

    I love that the sound was the best part, because I can almost imagine how satisfying that would be.

    What a fun, tedious project. Thanks for sharing.

  8. Eatshin

    Pretty cool project, gives me as seen on tv vibes, but seems completely impractical

  9. FyreFl11

    ![gif](giphy|kCpg2FYkENfnuvXSsS)

    We gotta ship this to f1exican asap.

  10. Uberslaughter

    Are those butter knife blades?

    Horrible cuts

  11. Grouchy-Statement-12

    You truly are a Mad Chiventist, and I applaud your contribution. Better chives through the wonders of technology .

  13. Give_me_soup

    Poor bruised chives been beaten damn near to death

  14. t0mz0mbie

    part of me is pleased; you saw a problem and design a solution, that is an engineer at work. I like what I’m guessing is a 3d printer; a modern answer to a problem. upvote for all of that.

  19. thathastohurt

    Replace the utility blades with razor blades and you’ll likely get better cuts…. Kinda squished these ones

    Edit: can you make it so it has a sliding motion during the cut? Kinda like those nice miter saws where you can slide the blade during the cut.

  20. moranya1

    This is the quality of content that I come for

  21. FigureUnusual4439

    I’m so offended and I need to be told WHY

  22. Ok-Calligrapher-8028

    Hahahaha only an engineer

    Edit: 3 Body Problem nanofibers would do the trick

    ![gif](giphy|h8IBJhNXYVaGs5zNXi|downsized)

  23. spookymunch

    THIS IS THE HIGH EFFORT SHITPOSTING I’M HERE FOR

  24. quailfarmer

    I think one issue is that the blades aren’t sliding along the chive in the same way that a knife blade would. If you build and off-center cam mechanism where the motion of the blade edge was both down and forward, which I think would improve the cut quality

  26. ghostofanimus

    this is how we get an annual chive cutting competition… just saying.

  27. spatialgranules12

    At this point I need a plant geneticist or plant breeder to come up with a way to breed chives that have identical length, width, circumference.

  28. skarbles

    No, you’re crushing them. And they are too big. No short cuts when it comes to herbs.

  29. Cornbread_Collins13

    The thing with chives is unless your knife is extremely sharp you are crushing them, not slicing them with straight downward pressure. Very fun to watch how such a simple ingredient has set this sub on fire

  31. brown-and-sticky

    My grandkids in 2065: gramps, where were you in 2025?

    Me: I was there. I was a part of The Chivening.

  33. Dbblazer

    I literally demand more attempts… The result is satisfactory for revision 1 let’s see what revision 37 can do

  35. _BindersFullOfWomen_

    I don’t work after 5pm, but I can see the print lines from here. That’s not up to code.

    Also — you’re insane and I love it.

  36. Tax_Odd

    The only thing chopped finer than the chives is the micro plastic.

  37. nbiddy398

    Crushing them, not slicing them. Jesus imma call you weed whacker.

  38. Fit_Perspective5054

    what about like super high frequency vibrations as the blades pass through the chives

  39. OSRS-MLB

    Not good enough. I think you need to post an over-engineered solution to chive cutting problems every day until you make one that’s perfect.

  40. Romanian_Breadlifts

    I love that you designed and printed a shifty chives cutter

    You’re going places. Dunno what places, but places. Godspeed

  41. ZenFook

    If you’re not posting a video or soundbite of this glorious cutting sound I’m gonna lose approximately 7% of my interest in this very interesting project.

  43. erik_wilder

    Gentlemen…. Gentlemen, please.

    The problem lies not in the cutting. As has been shown, you can go peice by peice with calipers and still have some peices turn out suboptimal.

    Nay sirs. The issue lies in the chives themselves and the holding there of. For a perfect peice of fresh and crisp chives are required to achive the perfect cut.

    We need to engineer, the perfect chives and construct a specialized holding unit to store the chives at just the right temperature, perhaps in a refrigerated room, so they do not wilt over the duration of the cutting.

  45. drunkenstyle

    You don’t PRESS the blade, you SLICE.

    See you tomorrow chef